There is a certain person in our life who spoils rotten their adult daughter. I know it shouldn’t bother me, it is none of my business, but the other day I found myself saying to my husband, “what is {that person} going to do when their daughter faces real life challenges and their mother can’t just buy them something to make them happy? What is that mother going to do when her daughter faces the death of a loved one? Divorce? Infertility?”
I paused and reflected a minute as a mother myself. What am I going to do when my daughter faces the greatest challenges in life and there is nothing I can do about it? As I wrote about last week in Life Is Not Fair, bad things happen to everyone. It’s inevitable. Teaching our children to be independent and well adjusted isn’t going to stop them from happening. But how am I going to handle them as a mother who is completely incapable of stopping them from happening?
I look at my sweet baby girl and it is hard to think now of her facing those situations. She’s still new to this world. Precious, innocent, wide eyed. How could a boy ever break her heart? How could she spend all night crying over girls at school being mean to her? I don’t know but I do know it’s going to happen. How could life be so cruel as to take away a loved one from this sweet angel’s life? Presumably one day she’s even going to lose me and her father. I’m writing this on my phone as she sleeps on top of me. It’s hard to imagine her growing up and being on her own in this world and facing all the normal challenges that everyone faces in life. Will life be kind to her, or will she struggle with even more difficulties? What if she loses a child one day? Comes home one day to find her husband has left her? What if she faces the crippling battle of infertility? Discovers she has an incurable disease? What am I going to do when I can’t fix all of her problems?
And to be honest I don’t know how I am going to handle it when the time comes. I know as long as I’m alive I’ll be here for Maddie Grace, and for all of my future children. To call whenever she needs to talk, to comfort her, and to help give her strength and support through all life’s trials and tribulations. I hope to raise her to be strong and stand firm in her beliefs to make it through those times. I hope that I raise a daughter who invests in strong and healthy relationships so that she has a strong support system when she faces hardship and that she finds healthy ways to handle them. Beyond that – I’m lost; I hope and pray that when the time comes I have more wisdom and guidance to know what to do.
Are you a parent who has dealt with watching a child face a hardship you can’t fix? I’d love to hear from you on how you dealt with that situation below. Have a baby now and have similar thoughts that you would like to share below? I would love to read those too. Do you know the meaning of life and have all the answers? PLEASE go ahead and let me know all of that while you’re here.
My daughter was dealing with being bullied. I finally set her up with a therapist on how to cope. She is now having a great year and on student counsel.
Aw that's great that she's doing well now! Bullies terrify me – I remember how having a hard time with bullies in middle school and crying over it every night, I hate to think she may go through that one day but if she does I hope she confides in me so I can help her the way you have with yours!!
I know that is such a hard thing when people don't let their kids work things out for themselves. But I think as long as we have a good relationship with our kids and they know we'll be there without fixing everything all the time, we'll all make it through 🙂
Very true! There's no mathematical equation for how to create the perfect child, we just need to do our best!
Hi Claire, I completely share your concerns. As parents, we never stop worrying about our kids. I can't even tell you how I'd feel when they go to J.H.S. and H.S. Seems like that's when most of the troubles begin :(. Okay, not going to stress about it just yet.
I know! I think about the difficulties I faced in middle and high school and I'm terrified! But you're right, no need to stress about it yet.
As parents, we will always worry and be concerned about our children. No matter how old my son gets, he will always be our little Peanut. I believe if we as parents have a good relationship accompanied with good communication, our children will be able to overcome life obstacles. We have to be able to notice and address issues as they arise.
Very true, thanks for your input! If only there was an exact equation of what to do to have strong children!
I think all parents worry about how they and their child will handle struggles in life. My daughter has had a few already at age 19. She has shown me over and over how strong she is, and that I raised her correctly.
Aw that's great and what I hope to be able to say one day!!
My little guy had a test done at 6 weeks old and it was so hard knowing that I could not help him. It was the longest two days waiting for those test results and in the end everything was fine. But it made me realize that as parents there might be some situations that the only thing we can do is hold them close.
For now I will enjoy holding her close and snuggling when she will let me!
My son (4 y/o) has developmental delays that affect his speech, his motor skills and his social interactions. It's heartbreaking. Especially when other people don't know or understand how to deal with it and treat him poorly (specifically other kids). My son feels left out and then lashes out sometimes. The only thing we can do is talk to him continually and give him ALL of our love. But I definitely worry about him once he's gone to school all day and I'm not there to help. I'm fearful of the day he comes home crying about how other kids treat him. 🙁
Aw poor sweet boy! I wish I knew something that would help! I like to think that kids are inherently nice and caring, but I've worked with kids enough to know that is nowhere near true! He clearly has a very loving family and that will go FAR!
Beautiful written. I'm pregnant with my first and think about all the possible challenges my precious little innocent child will have to face often.
Aw such an exciting time for you! It's scary but being a mommy is SO amazing, it will be the best thing that's ever happened to you!
beautiful post – i empathize with you
Thank you!
I think about these things all the time and I'm not even a parent yet.
It's hard to not to for some of us I think!
Oh my gosh – I thought I was the only one who thought about these things! We were in public one day and Olivia waved at a group of big kids with a huge smile. They didn't notice her. At 10 months old, she thought nothing of it, but I almost started crying. Thinking about her sweet heart and someone ever being mean to her. I had no clue I would be so sad thinking about that. Prior to her, I imagined it as a part of life – there are bullies everywhere – its a part of growing up. But I just look at how pure and caring she is – how she'll share her paci, her favorite thing in the whole world – with me and think about how cruel the world is and how it's just going to bring her down. Makes me so sad.
I think all mamas must think of this sometime. I hope life is kind to her! With you as her mama she should be well equipped to take on the world!
I'm with Nancy, I think about stuff like this ALL the time and I don't even have my own kids yet!
I think I probably did too, although now I don't remember what I thought before kids!
It's incredibly important to be there for your kids, but you must also teach them to be independent and to use good judgment. We must not forget that our kids will be parents one day with the huge and wonderful task of raising another generation. It is our responsibility to ensure they have the tools to be positive, independent, and functioning adults.
Exactly, you phrased that so well! It's all a balancing act of giving them emotional support and love and teaching them to be independent!
Beautifully written post! I like everyone struggles with handling the unavoidable. I don't even have kids and I think about things like this!
Thank you! Yes it's hard to think about all the things you KNOW will happen one day!
This warmed my heart… I have the exact same fears & concerns, but we have that stronger/conquer all thing called LOVE! Bless you & your adorable lil family! xx
Thanks for your kind comment! Love will go a long ways!
Some people are so cruel, for no reason. It is almost like they find joy in torturing others out of some excitement for themselves! I agree with so many of these comments. It is scary to know that you are raising children and sending them out there into the world on their own one day, hoping they will survive! This post was so real, thank you for sharing.
I know, I think often those are the people who need the most love themselves! It's scary but it's something that has to be done!
What an amazing glimpse into the heart of a mom. Though not a mom myself, I've been on the outside looking in on my mother and my sister as my sister tries to overcome infertility. It's killing my mom and she's blaming herself. She hates not being able to fix it for my sister. It's crushing her. She's doing her best to be there for her. From my perspective, the one thing missing from the situation is optimism. I really wish she was more optimistic about it all. They both have very strong faith and hope, but I think they're both having a hard time seeing past the hurdle. Though I'm not in the situation and can't imagine having to deal with it, I know it cannot be easy to stay hopeful in that instance.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so sorry that your sister is going through that. I think that would be devastating for both your sister and for your mom to watch. We have some close friends dealing with infertility so it has been on my heart a lot lately, they handle it with such positivity and talk about how it has become part of their testimony, it is really inspiring. When I was driving today the David Crowder song came on that says "Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal" and I think those are very true words, even though that's hard to see when you are in that sorrow!
This post is awesome. It hurts my heart thinking about my kids not having me to comfort them one day. It's a huge reason we had two. I'm an only child and although I loved it, I want them to have each other when we're gone.
Thanks for your kind words! I also want a big family to make sure they hopefully have a large support system, although I know there are siblings who aren't close!
i don't think parents ever stops worrying. it comes with all that love for their children!
Very true!
Both of my kids are very eccentric, open minded and involved with acting and fine arts. There was a bit of bullying going on due to this, especially with my son. I tell my kids that bullies are just kids who are hurt themselves, and to not only stand up for themselves, be true and kind, but offer to be a friend to those bullies because they may need somebody in their life. By doing this, you'll either shut the bully up or make a new friend plus learn forgiveness. My kids attend a very small charter school so these situations get handled in a great manner. As a parent, I do my best to set an example and when I fail, I openly admit to it that I am human and teach accountability. 🙂
That breaks my heart that they were being bullied for being individuals! I agree with your words, I think often bullies are the kids who really need love. It sounds like you are an amazing parent!
I really enjoyed reading this post! I don't have kids of my own yet, but I've seen my own parents struggle with this over the past couple of decades — trying to help out my brother and me when we get in tough spots, but also trying to let us make our own decisions and figure out how to face challenges on our own.
cheers,
Mary
Sounds like your parents found a way to balance both well!
i don't have kids of my own, but i wonder how i'm going to cope without my parents around. and i don't know that we can ever be prepared for all the bad things that life will throw at us.. but as they happen i guess we just learn to cope or grow with it.
I know I worry about losing my parents all the time! But that's just life, we have to roll with the flow!
Oh man. I know someone who enables an adult daughter as well and its infuriating to watch. Its not teaching any real life skills at all. And I worry about when the mother passes away, how the daughter will even be able to function. She has been using her as a crutch for so long. Hopefully that does happen for a very long time but it still passes in my head. It sounds like you are a great mother. And I think your daughter will know that you are there to support her in hard times, but she will also know how to stand on her own two feet. And thats important.
Isn't it? I'm glad there is someone who understands how frustrating it is to watch! Thank you for your kind words!
My twins spent their first weeks in the NICU and seeing their teeny tiny little bodies fighting in isolettes was hard. I would have given or done anything to fight on their behalf. Buy you can't do that. As a mom, my job is to raise my boys so they no longer need me (but hopefully still want me!)
Aw that must have been so difficult for you! Ahhhh so hard to think of the day where our babies don't need us!
I think about this stuff a lot as my daughter keeps getting older. Some part of parenting gets more fun but a lt gets harder.
I think it does too, but like you I think some parts will be more fun – I so look forward to girl scouts, ballet, field trips, etc!
Great post! I definitely think I will be a worrier down the line when I have kids!
Thanks! It's hard not to be!
I can not even imagine how I would handle that if was to happen to a future child (not mummy yet), we know life is not fair so all we can do is be there when we are needed
Very personal and touching piece. No mother in the world would ever wish harm or pain on her child.
Thinking about things like this is hard when you become a mom. Making sure you know the right things to do and not to do. How far to go and when not to go.
That's what's so hard to know though! Wish there was one right answer of how to do things to produce a well-adjusted adult haha!
This is such a great post, as parents we have so many worries.
This post almost brought tears to my eyes! First off, she is the most gorgeous baby girl I've ever seen. Second, I am not a mom yet so I couldn't even imagine how hard it must be to have those mommy feelings for your child. Just last night I was having a really hard time and going through some relationship issues. I called my mom and talked to her for about an hour and suddenly everything felt okay. Even though I cried and was having a hard time, my mom just knew what to say to help fix my feelings. Moms are truly the best and no matter what your little girl goes through, she is so lucky to have you be there for her 🙂
i think about this sometimes too. We want to do nothing but protect our children from hurt and hard, but sometimes there isn't much we can do about what other people say and do. Moms are so wonderful Your daughter is lucky to have you there, to worry about her, to comfort her, etc.
My son is 22 months and I have these exact same thoughts all the time. It makes my mama heart ache to think that I won't always be able to keep my son safe… such a beautiful post, I absolutely loved it!
Thanks! I think every mama must have these thoughts…
Such great questions. I admire my mom for being such a great support through all my trials. The biggest thing I thank her for is just being there and making sure I know her love is unconditional and she'll always be there. She wasn't able to fix my problems but she gave me strength to find my way.
Aw sounds like you have an amazing mama!
I think it's okay to shield them from some things – but only the big ones.
There are adult children in my extended family that have been shielded and bailed out from the "tough" things by relatives. When those relatives passed on, there was no one left to bail them out, and they really struggled. It's sad to see that happen – totally agree with you about teaching your children to be strong and face those difficult situations head on, with your support too of course!
That's what I worry about!
I have seen some of my cousins be sheltered in certain aspects in life and I just shake my head. Especially because some are my age or older. But my parents taught me to be independent and take things as they come. Just by reading your thoughts, I have a feeling your daughter will be just fine with you guiding her.