Oh parenting advice. Moms and dads – we’ve all been there. When a person tells you how they think you should raise your child. “You need to let them cry it out.” “You’re holding the baby too much.” “They’re too old to be breastfeeding” “You should spank them for that.” I could go on but I won’t. Sometimes it’s genuinely helpful advice. Lots of times people are coming from a good place and want to help you when they say these things. Maybe you took their words into consideration and turns out they were right. Maybe you ignored it. Or maybe it offended you, made you think they were judging you for your parenting choices, and it made you really mad. Usually the best response is simply to nod and say thank you, and then just do what works for you and your family.
Regardless, are you in the position where you may be giving parenting advice to someone? Perhaps your sister is having a baby, or you ran across a mom who looked like she could use some helpful words at the grocery store. Before you open your mouth, here are a few factors to consider:
1) Do you have children of your own? Just because you have nannied, are a teacher, or have nieces and nephews, does not give you any parenting expertise whatsoever. Would you hire me to be your brain surgeon? Hopefully not. And that’s how qualified you are to offer parenting advice or opinions when you haven’t been there. Sorry, we love non-parents too, but it’s one of those things you just can’t understand until you go through it yourself.
2) Have you recently had children? If you haven’t had kids in a long time, things have changed, and pretty drastically. Medical opinions on all aspects of parenting seem to change almost daily. And, no offence, but young parents are probably going to trust what their pediatrician says over someone who is not their pediatrician. So no, I don’t think I’m going to soak a rag in rum and put it in my baby’s mouth when their teething, but thanks!
3) Do you perceive the parent to be doing something wrong? My child doesn’t need a jacket and isn’t cold. Okay sometimes they might be, but I know it and I’m on it. Lots of times my kids just need to get from my car to inside Chick-Fil-A and it’s 60 degrees out. I think they’ll be okay. My point is, if you see a parent with a child and you think that child could use something just remember that the parent is probably aware and working on it, or knows that they’ll be okay without it and just trying to hold themselves together that day. They probably don’t need you pointing out something they forgot.
4) How well do you know the parent you are considering giving unsolicited parenting advice to? Are they a stranger? An acquaintance? If yes then just stop there. You don’t know their situation. Are they a close friend or family member? Then it some cases it might actually be okay. Use common sense of whether you think it will actually help them and is needed, or whether it’s going to bother the parent and is really you just trying to impose your beliefs on them.
5) Have they asked for your advice? If yes then it’s fair game. If no, you should probably hold your tongue.
Remember, there are many different ways to be a good parent. There is no mathematical equation for raising kids that a parent must stick to in order to be a good mom or dad. Good moms and dads come in all shapes and sizes – there are ones that breastfeed, formula feed, follow attachment parenting, let their children cry it out, let their children watch TV, don’t have a TV in their home, etc. What you did with your kids may have worked great for you and not work great for someone else.
Parenthood is hard, even on its best days, and most of us are struggling just to do the best we can. So maybe instead of saying anything at all offer to help the mom or dad you see struggling, or just give them a smile and move on. Be sensitive, be kind, and try not to judge the mom you see with a newborn and a screaming almost two year old at Target. Because that mom is probably me. And also because it’s the right thing to do.
The only person I ever listened to when it came to parenting advice was my mom. Anyone else it just went in one ear and out the other.
It's a tough one because you know some people are genuine about giving advice. The way I look at it is I welcome the advice, and see if it works for us. In the end, I always tell my new parent friends that what worked for us might not work for them, and vice versa. It's nice to hear different options/tricks/advice, but you eventually realize that you fall into a groove, and it is what fits best for you and your family.
Yes to all of this! I once had a lady in the airport tell me my baby was "too warm" and that's why she wouldn't settle. She was fussy and crying and I had her wrapped in a blanket trying to get her to sleep… I was already in a stressful situation and struggling, I did NOT need that comment and wanted to tell that lady where to go. I mean seriously…
Soak the rag in rum? haha I haven't heard that one! I totally agree with all of these! It is really helpful when people just say things like "I've been there, it'll get better" vs. giving advice. I say just do what works best for you!
Totally agree!! People forget that every baby is different and what works for one won't work for another.
Thank you for speaking out about this especially when I have seen so many people do it. We all have different methods of parenting and considering I am not a parent nor have children no matter how many children I have looked after I would never tell a parent how to do their job!
People should really know when and when not to give that type of advice it's like sometimes people really over step that line.
I think that it is important that you had kids recently. Things change so fast, so your advice can be outdated fast!
Amen to this post. And let me tell you, people still try to do it when you have older kids too. I thought it would maybe stop but nooooooooo 😉
This is definitely a sticking point for many…especially when it comes to family members giving advice! To each their own …parenting is a highly personal and family choice. Stick your ground 🙂
People are always going to give you advice on something, and it just so happens that parenting is the most common.
I love that you mentioned how every child is different. It's so true. People forget that.
I love this post so much! Before kids I was that annoying person who knew how a parent should parent their child. Now, I just ask moms what do they need right now. How can I help? It's not my job to judge and give advice when not asked.
This is good advice for life…. different things work for different people… give it only when asked… 🙂
There was a gentleman we knew who gave marriage counseling but he had never been married. My father confronted him about some things he was advising to young people. He argued with my father at the time. Now that he is finally married, he apologized to my father and realized he was way off on his advise.
Advice can be helpful, but all kids are different and so are situations. So, I usually take advice with a grain of salt. Amber N
It's true what you said, every child is different. They have their own personality and character. Every parents have their owan methods and system that works best for their family, and that is something people should respect.
Amen to this sista!!! I really need to share this because it's so on point! I have way too many non-parents try to give me advice…it's ridiculous!
I come from a society where everybody gives and advice about anything and get so angry when realize the person is not accepting their advice. Being in a situation where everybody "knows" what's better for me, I started valuing other people's personal space so much.
You are doing a really good thing by speaking about those unneeded advices. Thank you!
I am not a mother yet (getting close!) but I am already anticipating the slew of advice my friends and family are going to offer. Thankfully people know me as being more independent and marching to my own drum, so hopefully I won't end up with too many people offended if I don't take their advice. It's hard to know what to do as a parent when there are so many polarizing opinions, but feeling it out as you go is just the best anyone can do. Sometimes that comes with a ton of advice, other times not. It's different for everyone.
Be the author of your own story,
Rebecca Kelsey Sampson
I love your photos and congrats, hes beautiful. I don't have little ones, mine are grown young adults. I do miss those days. I will share this information, but I agree with you.
I agree with these so much. I remember all the unasked for advice I got when my daughter was little. I'm trying really hard not to give my little sister advice. She is expecting her first in a month. I will do my best but she is my little sister and as the older sister I have been being bossy for years.
Everyone always has an opinion! As a mom, I don't give advice unless I'm directly asked. Great post!